Can you believe I remembered my password? That's the first amazing act. Where do I start? Blessings first... My health stuff appears to have been resolved. Tara is expecting my grandson, Em has given me three beautiful graddaughters, Marissa graduated from FLCC with honors and has been busy exploring life's options. Life is good....
The not so good stuff has come in the form of betrayal. In an effort to spare details, suffice to say people I put my trust in broke my heart in more ways than I could ever imagine. I was broken and became a very empty vessel for a bit. I am now in the process of reinventing myself yet again. I was accepted into University of Wisconsin for my Masters degree in Vocational Counseling. I'm excited about that. I can honestly say the great healer for me was coming to Em's, hearing Brynn call me Amma even when she says "Stop Amma", picking those babies up in the middle of the night and rocking them back and forth, back and forth, thinking Dominic needs to meet his grandma and Marissa needs a dream coach. Those things became my happy thoughts, my reason for getting up and breathing in and out one more day.
Let's see ,how many times have I reinvented myself now? Guess I got one more time in me. It's a good day to live McDougal !!!!

Okay resolutions... I've done pretty darn good. Steve got me a kindle so I'm definitely reading more. Weight I lost 4 pounds using Isagenix( it's so expensive you can't afford food!) and we were going to go on a cruise but decided that time with kids was a true priority so instead we'll visit Washington D.c , Colorado and someplace warm in Winter. I find myself thinking about my purpose again lately. I'm not so sure I want to stay in the Addictions field and I have 20 more years of work unless I hit the lottery so we'll see. Problem is I'm making a darn good buck right now. So I'll let go and let God and see where life takes me. I;m volunteering at the House of John and have to call them tomorrow to set up an interview. I fel compelled to do that. I'm also setting a target of 2500.00 to raise for the Relay for Life. For some reason I just kept coming back to the need to do something with people who have been touched by Cancer and that's pretty much all of us. OKAY that's it for updates. It IS a good day to live MacDougal.

2009 Goals? Hmmmmm. I'm committed to having more time with family. I enjoyed seeing all the kids at the holidays so much that I said no matter what I would make it a point to visit them more. I also want to read more and watch TV less. Losing weight? Yeah why not? Truly though I've learned not to take a day for granted!!!!!! Enjoy each moment. I'm finding such amazing beauty in the simple things. I even enjoy the snow on the trees. Not so much the shovelling but I look at it like exercise!!!! Steve and I are going on an Alaskan cruise in July. We always said someday and our someday is now. It's indeed a good day to live MacDougal!!!!

Well reading this last entry hit me like a ton of bricks! Mom died a couple of weeks after I wrote. I miss her so much at times but I am thankful we lived together for as long as we did and I have no regrets. Steve was hospitalized, had brain surgery and things were touch and go for a period of time this Summer. Brynn was born on the 4th of July and that was quite amazing. We had to put Sugar down and dad was hospitalized for a bit after falling from a roof. It's easy to see why I'm excited about ringing in the New year. Right now I'm looking forward to Tara and Dave coming home on the 22nd. All in all it remains a good day to live Macdougal!

Okay since Tara posted I guess it's my turn to give you my side of the story! First this was the first time we've stayed with anyone versus a motel and it went well. Colorado is absolutely gorgeous, majestic! As a parent it was wonderful to see how well liked Tara is. Everyone at her school commented on what a great human being she is. She is really someone I would choose to be like. Great sense of humor and a passion for life!!!! It was nice just hanging out with her and Dave but we did alot of things too. We went to the zoo, Garden of the Gods, Broadmoor ( let me tell ya this day is in my top 5. Tara and Dave so appreciated it that it was even more special). We climbed Mt. Cutler and went to Ute Park. Just absolutely soaked it all in. I can not believe that Tara and Dave just one day hopped in their car and drove across the country, what courage. Their apartment has the most breath taking views!!!!! Dave cooked us up a couple of out of this world meals. The time went fast and needless to say I sobbed as we left. Miss 'em already. Now it's the countdown to Brynn's arrival and that will be here before we know it. Steve and I are reading a book entitled One Month to Live :it's a book about living life without regrets. Perfect timing!!!!!It is indeed a Good Day to Live MacDougal

It's definitely Sarcoidosis but the doc doesn't want me on Prednisone yet and I'm thankful for that. I'm getting very excited about Brynn's arrival . It's hard for me to believe Brynn will wait until July because Em is getting rather big. I'm also looking forward to going to Colorado to see Tara and Dave. We went down to Middletown last weekend for Cam's third birthday and that was fun. We played what Cam calls Darbies for a long time. In my world these things are called Barbies. I got a 2008 Subaru so I put the Money Pit to rest. Riss is busy looking at colleges. Right now it's between Fredonia andFLCC. I guess that's it by way of updates. It's a good day to live MacDougal.

I had my biopsy on Monday and they were able to get a big piece of tissue. The pathologist took a look see and saw NO cancer cells. I have to wait until the 24th for conclusive results but for now that is good news. I have a nasty looking scar on my neck right now but it will heal. They think it's Sarcoidosis and I'll follow up with Dr. Tyner if it is and probably be on prednisone. I've gotten alot of cards and phone calls of support. Em brought me flowers and Tara sent me a couple of cards and a plaque. I'll tell ya it really makes youy do a life assessment. The things I used to think were important aren't so much. I'm also proud of the number of lives I've touched and been touched by. That's the measure of a life. It's a good day to live MacDougal!!!!!!!

Well in a flurry of excitement yesterday I received phone calls from Dr. Hartel, Dr. Luther and the lab. I knew something wasn't right the day before when I got a message from Dr. Hartel regarding my CT scan and they had told me it would take 2 days for him to get results. Apparently they found several enlarged Lymph nodes. I read the radiologist report and he thinks it's this big long word that when I looked it up said leukemia or lymphoma. So off to Dr. Tyner I go today at 9a.m.. He's a pulmonologist. At work yesterday Deb and Rach got me flowers, Vikki got me a stuffed animal and Jim ( the President) gave me this book called 100 things to always remember and 1 thing to never forget. NICE!!!!!!!! I was straightening out my bookshelf at work and I noticed there was a book wedged under all the others. I pulled it out and guess what book it was? That's right, Live Like You Were Dying. God has a sense of humor. Okay I'm getting ready to go so I'll keep you posted. It really is a Good Day To Live MacDougal!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Early last week I got a call from the doctor's office saying that I needed to go for a CT scan because they found paratracheal soft tissue fullness. I go for a CT scan of my neck on Wenesday and I'm anxious about it. With me it's always been one test leading to another. I don't have a good feeling about this. We'll see what happens. Steve keeps reminding me that I haven't lost an ounce so it can't be anything too serious. He's good to have around for comic relief. Steve suggested when we visit Tara and Dave going White Water rafting and Tara's going to check it out. I'm mostly looking forward to hiking and just seeing Colorado. I didn't really do much this weekend which was fine by me. The sun was out today and that was awesome to see that yellow globe in the sky. I knitted a prayer shawl for Rachel at work. I used the leftover yarn and it's gorgeous. She's always cold and a couple of weeks ago she got some test results back saying she needed follow up so I thought what better time to start a prayer shawl. The thought behind it is that as you knit you pray for the person you are making it for. Can't wait to give it to her tomorrow. She's going for her follow up doctor's apointment in the morning so what better day? Okay no further news. It's a good day to live Macdougal!!!!!

Now that we know Em's having a girl it all seems very real and I am very excited!!!!!! Today I went to lunch and a movie with Riss and it was the first time we'd done that in quite awhile. It was fun. Hard to believe she graduates this year. Where does the time go? Today Em said something about Terry turning 50 this year and I said, " He doesn't turn 50 this year and then I realized Yup he does which led me to think about turning 50. Wow!!! Hard to wrap my brain around that one. 50 years on the planet. I can honestly say I've touched alot of lives. My greatest contribution to the world are my daughters and now they are on their journeys and leaving their marks.
I'm still going to the doctors for this cough. Now they are calling it vocal chord dysfunction and it's a new treatment but guess what? I'm still coughing. I'm even annoying myself at this juncture. The job is still delightful!!!!!! It is indeed a good day to live MacDougal!!!!!!

I absolutely love my new job. I'm so proud of myself for making the journey to Rochester daily. I remember when I was afaraid to take the thruway to Eastview and by the way folks that was just a few months ago!!!! Em and I went to see Riss sing at Cabaret night on Thursday and she was fantastic. I'm so impressed with her singing ability .I've decided to hold onto the Saab because I really do like that car and I'd like to get it paid down. It would be nice to not have to use my Social Security check to make a car payment. We're making plans to go out to see Tara and Dave in March and then in June/July I'll be a grandma. Pretty exciting stuff. Today in church Shelly was there with her 8 month old niece and someone in front of me asked if that was my granddaughter. I said no my grandchild is still baking!!!!!! I have my cough back again but I go see a specialist on Jan. 31st so hopefully I'll get some answers. Every year around Dec/Jan/ I start coughing and don't stop until April / May. This has been going on for 5 or 6 years. Every year I go to the docs try a bunch of stuff that doesn't work yada yada. I've been thinking of Tim alot lately and just how quickly things change. I find myself having so many questions like did he know he was dying? Did he tell anyone? Did he do everything he wanted to do? Sometimes I get angry with the whole thing. I guess I have nothing more to share and it doesn't seem apprpriate to end with my typical closing. So I will say simply, PEACE

Wow, looks like someone's behind the eight ball. I've been busy getting used to my new job which I love by the way.Tara and Dave came home on the 20th after alot of hassle with flights. It is sooooooo good to see them. Em is starting to show although she says she's not. We got to see Casey, Steve and Mike and of course Camryn, Catherine and Jenn on the Saturday before Christmas and that was great. Camryn loved her gifts and Mike has really matured into a nice young man. The weather gave me a run for my money on my first day of work in the city but after the first couple of days with bad driving I got used to it. I enjoy being in the Brighton area. It's really quite nice with lots of things to do around me. The thruway driving is lots different in a good way. East House people seem very nice and so far I've had a few laughs with a core group of people. I never know where the year will take me. In 2008 I become a grandma though and that's rather huge. Lookin forward to it. Today I read through a book Em gave me for Mother's Day when she was in college. Very touching and to think she's going to be a mom. Time marches on...... It's a good day to live MacDougal.

Well Tara and Dave came home on November 16th. Dawn & Vic put on a fantastic meal at Essenhous. The wedding was beautiful. I was struck by how thin Tara has gotten. Steve really enjoyed Dave's family especially Dave's brother. The two have similiar personalities.I saw the pictures today and they are fantastic.I'm thankful today for so many things. Tara and Dave's happiness with their lives in Colorado, Em's pregnancy, Riss and turning out to be such a good kid, my new job. The list grows and grows. I'm already crying at the thought of Tara and Dave leaving but they'll be back in a month. I taught my last class at church last night. I'm thankful for the opportunity to meet so many nice people through that experience. It is a good day to live MacDougal. Isn't it?

Well I do not believe this week could get a whole lot better!!!!! I got the job at East House as Director of Crossroads residential services. That means I have to drive to the city but I think It's time I put on my big girl panties and did it. The people seem fantastic!!!! Then Em called this morning to say she is expecting .Yeah!!!!!! We figure she's due around the Fourth of July which was my due date for her. I'm sooooooooo excited!!! Tara and Dave come home in 12 days for the wedding. Marissa and I seem to have bonded again. I mean seriously if I could freeze a time frame this next couple of weeks would have to be it. I didn't even say "Rabbit, Rabbit" this month. Wow!!!! It truly is a good day to live MacDougal!!!!!

That should be TURNING things over to a Higher Power!!!!!

Well since Em and Tara have updated guess it's my turn. I've been teaching the First Place class and I'm amazed at reactions of people. Several people have sent me e-mails saying how I'm changing their lives. It's not me but something far greater. It's been very rewarding. My car broke down again since I wrote last. Another 800.00! Only money right? I'm going for an interview at East House on Thursday so we'll see what that brings. I'm during things over to a Higher Power. I've applied for several positions . We'll see what my destiny is. So why is it the best and worst of times? Well Marissa got her first car, Yeah. Tara and Dave are settled in. Em is wrapping up her Master's degree I'm blessed with many things but ..... There are times I miss when the kids were little so much it hurts. People said I'd suffer from empty nest syndrome this year and I can feel it creeping up on me. These past couple of days I've cried my fair share over missing Tara. I've been wearing her sweatshirt to keep her close. When Em was over I sat on her lap( think I might have injured her) and I just plain miss my babies. Life goes by so fast. I know this is a passage. I can't wait for Tara and Dave's wedding.5 more weeks!!!!!! I'm going to dance my fanny off. You guys stop rolling your eyes and groaning!!!!!!!! It's a good day to live Macdougal!!!!

YEAH!!!!!! I got my car back today. I immediately went and picked up my gown for Tara's wedding which I love. Then I went and got Nancy a gas card. I am still deeply touched by her letting me use her car. I've been pretty busy this week at work and adding FLACRA stuff on there keeps me hopping. Oh today I picked up Wegman's new ultimate Carrot Cake. I'll let ya know how AWESOME it is!!!!!! It's a good day to live MacDougal!!!!!

What a difference a day makes. 24 little hours..... Em was in a five car pile up on Friday but she wasn't hurt. I find myself thinking about the what ifs though. My car started making this knocking, clanging? sound and it smelled like burning rubber so I have it parked until it gets into the garage next week. Our wonderful neighbors ( Jim & Nancy) are going to let me borrow teir Matrix for the week. Do people get any nicer than that? Em took me out to eat at the Mexican restaurant , dress shopping( I actually founs something) and then for a massage. It was a fantastic day. I told my masseusse I wanted quiet relaxation and she honored that. Em's on the other hand talked throughoutbut she reports still enjoying it. We're going to go again some time and try Beau Monde in Victor. I found myself really missing Tara today and she said I could use her free voucher to fly out if I wanted. I doubt that I'll take her up on that for a couple of reasons 1. She and Dave should use it. 2. I'd have to fly out of Buffalo and into Denver which adds a couple of hours onto travel arrangements. #. I have a 50.00 off deal from jetblue that's good until 10/31 so we'll see what happens with that. Anyway I am reminded to enjoy the NOW. Mr. Dave celebrated another year yesterday. Wow. He's aqccomplished alot in a year. As a matter of fact all the kids have. Don't need to worry 'bout them one little bit. It's a good day to live MacDougal.
1:02 PM

So this morning as I was walking the dogs this feeling came over me that was overwhelming. I missed the time when the kids were little, toddlers. I missed the timespan so much I ached. I have never had that feeling before. I am thankful for all the fun things I did with the kids when they were little. Marissa graduates this year and I'm sure that has something to do with it. I saw Em yesterday too and that was nice but short lived. She sat on my lap for a bit while we were looking at the computer and I just hugged her and rested my head on her back. Nice. I heard from Tara and that made me miss her all over again. It's so hard because part of me wants to pick up and go to Colorado and part of me says then you'll miss Em and Marissa. I think it would help if I were able to visit a couple times a year and they came here a couple times. I'm sure it'll all work out. I've decided to pursue a Master's in Voc. Rehab Counseling from University of Wisconsin but can't do it until 08 cuz they are filled up. It's an online program but you go there the first week in August for orientation. I'm sure I thought of school because Sept. is around the corner and I have always loved learning. Who the heck knows? I heard something today that kind of hit me," I am what I have" I never want to be defined by what I have. I always want to be defined by the lives I've touched and I want my legacy to be as an encourager, believer, supporter. It's a good day to live MacDougal.

Okay here's my moving story of the week.I went to church today and at the beginning of the summer Rev. Spence asked us to write down our favorite hymns and he said we'd have a countdown. Well turns out the top five were Christmas Carols so today we had Christmas in August. The children's sermon was about this children's hospital in NYC that had nothing for children to have in their cribs by way of stuffed animals. Rev. Spence asked the kids to bring in small stuffed animals and they would get them to NYC in 2 weeks. I instantly thought what a wonderful home for Tara's beanies. They would be with some child in NYC and that's where she spent last summer student teaching AND that's where Tim spent his final days. As we went through the service the last song we sang was, ( you guessed it) Joy to the World. That was the song that we sang at Tim's service and then kept hearing at the most appropriate times. I had tears streaming down my face as I sang. That served as confirmation that the beanies belonged in NYC. ( I'll ask Tara first of course). I applied for a Guidance Counselor position with the Department of Defense in Colorado Springs yesterday. I'll know on the 28th what my ranking is. We'll see what lies in store . What an adventure. Dave and Tara are getting really domesticated. Dave got a new car and they are getting a puppy. Em is staying super busy with school but this is her last semester. What a lucky mommy I am to have such wonderful; daughters. Marissa, Travis and I went to Arts in the Garden yesterday. That was alot of fun. It was nice getting to know Travis a little better. I gave a tour to them because I had job coached there one year and I got to know alot about the place. It is indeed a good day to live MacDougal.